Monday, October 19, 2015

Day In, Day Out

My boy will be exactly 3 months tomorrow.  Man, oh man the time flies.  They aren't kidding when they say "cherish these times." He's getting so big.  And I'm getting more accustomed to being a mother.

The late night feedings are a cinch now; he fusses, I get up, move to the chair, give him my boob and some time later we both are asleep, mouths open, my boob still out.  I move him back to his bed and I crawl back into mine.  I'm lucky to be an easy sleeper, falling back asleep is not a problem, mostly because I don't think I ever really wake up.

Our daily routine is figuring itself out.  He wakes about 7, gets back to sleep about 9 for his morning snooze, until 10-11, we run errands if I need to, he cat naps along the way.  He's a good sleeper at night but a good cat-napper during the day.  We play, we eat, I put him down to do things until I can't handle his screaming any more and then I put things on hold and pick him up again.  I will say, on the days where I'm at work for a good chunk of the day, the next day I do spend extra time holding him.  Soon he won't let me.  That whole time-moves-fast thing again.

People ask how I'm doing.  Good. Fine.  And it's the truth.  I think my hormones are back in check, I'm working on being conscious of how reactive I can be (has been an issue my whole life.  Better late than never to work on yourself, right?)  Things are good. But I'm lonely.  I spend much of my day alone with a baby.  He's cute and coo-ey and adorable, but really?  How intellectual can you get with "Are you going to smile for mommy?!" or "You pooped!  Good job on the big poop!"

I have two friends who have babies around my kid's age (here in town, that is. I have 2 others that live out of state and Lord, I wish they were here more than ever.) And I recently went and visited one last week and I'm hoping to go see one this week as well.  Last week, we didn't do much.  Sat with our babes on our boobs and chatted, mostly.  Went for a walk.  But it was so nice to be among another woman/adult/parent.

I now see why the idea of "It takes a village" rings true; it is so much nicer to have others around.  There is a part of me that wishes there was a stay-at-home-mom daycare.  It's a house where moms and babies are welcome to come and do their daily stuff, but with other moms around.  No pressure to sit and socialize or talk about this milestone of your baby or that idea from your doctor.  Just a place to watch your day-time shows (whatever they may be, no judgement), feed, nap, go for walks, run errands, talk about things other than baby, with other women around.

When my kid is cat-napping and I get a chance to eat lunch, I wish I had someone to eat lunch with.  Social media on my phone isn't enough.  The few hours I spent last week with my friend were great.  It was mellow and sweet.  We both agreed it was great to have another adult to talk to.  I offered the same kind of thing to another friend this week and I really hope she takes me up on it.  Not just to help with her two boys but to give me a sense of I'm more than just this milk-making machine.

When it's just me and my kid and hubby comes home, I don't have much to say.  "How was your day, he'll ask?"  What do I say? "Good. He ate.  He slept. He fussed for a good 20 minutes until he ate again.  He pushed out some solid farts.  I let him scream for 10 minutes while I cleaned the kitchen. Oh and we went and bought diapers, dish soap and cat food. Today was amazing."  I'd love to be able to say "I talked with this person about the shit show that is the GOP candidates and this person and I shared our stories of finding out we were pregnant while walking around the lake.  And I got to sit and read 3 chapters of my book because this person rocked my baby while I read."

Now some may say I'm bitching about little things, or these are first world problems, or there are mom groups out there.  And yes, all of the above is true.  This is just where I sit, how I feel, currently.  And there are others that will say "It makes me sad that you are lonely and don't ask fro help."  I don't need help (and that phrase is real annoying, everyone needs help.  Everyone also gets by just fine.)  What I do need is adult interaction.  And the gas station attendant doesn't count.  I want someone to ask how Sarah the person is doing, not just Sarah the mom.  Sarah the person has been standing in the shadows for a while.

Maybe my first step in that process is to do more things for myself.  That is, if my kid will let me put him down for longer than 10 minutes.